Date 39 - Runaway Brunch

Since Adam was too sick for mini-golf, I needed one additional date to end my Lent challenge in a blaze of glory. Luckily for me, Dick McStuffinsnatch was home from his vacation and free to be my back-up date once again. We decided to go for brunch with his friend Marvin.

"Honey, what's the point of being
in the suburbs if you're not going
to f*!# a gardener?"

I was the first to arrive at the pub. I ordered water, a tea and a breakfast cider. Not sure why I was so thirsty, but one can never be too hydrated. The server’s name was Alice, and she was a real stitch. She and I had a laugh about breakfast ciders and we compared my choice to the classier table of twenty-something girls nearby all drinking mimosas and attempting their own version of Sex and the City-esque girly brunch. Alice agreed that although I was inarguably less stylish, it was like comparing apples and oranges.

Marvin arrived and joined me with a smile. He mentioned he’d passed Dick in the parking lot on his phone. We chatted awhile. I’ve met Marvin a few times, most usually when at least one of us was quite drunk. He is witty, slightly self-deprecating and very willing to laugh. Dick joined us shortly, and flirted mercilessly with Alice when she came to get our orders. The boys got coffees and beers; we ordered food and settled in for practically non-stop chatter and laughs.

We learned about pub gossip. There was a surprising amount of it. Alice is dating the bartender Duncan, who we jokingly raved about, though we privately agreed that she could do much better. The regular Sunday server Amber is married with two children (the news of which broke poor Dick’s heart), and Jim the busboy has a new girlfriend. To our great relief, Joey the cook was in a much better mood than usual today. Last time Marvin had been to brunch here, Joey had been in such a foul mood that Amber had been too afraid to ask him why Marvin’s beef dip was taking so long. This morning, however he’d thrown beets at Alice and told her to “Beat it, kid!” Which was not only hilarious, but also boded well for getting our food in reasonable time.

We got and enjoyed our food, had another round of drinks and told all kinds of stories. We were starting to feel a bit restless when the music stopped and every television in the pub was suddenly switched to golf. It took us a moment and a great deal of confused muttering to realize that Duncan had actually turned the music off so that we could listen to the announcers for the Masters. I shit you not. We were watching and listening to golf at the pub. It was so disturbing.



Can you feel the excitement?

We paid our tab, chatted some more with Alice (who agreed with us that golf is stupid and awful), and just as we were getting ready to leave, Captain Horatio Longbottom texted me to say that he had just arrived back in town and would join us, if we were still at the pub having brunch. So we stayed and Alice changed the channel on a couple of the screens to other sports highlights, but the sound stayed on. Duncan was standing his ground.

Horatio arrived and we ordered more drinks. I was actually still nursing my second cider, but the boys made the executive decision to forfeit their driving privileges for the day when they ordered their (I think) fifth beers.

Not my first rodeo as the token chick.

Marvin looked at the table and apologized to me. He said if he had known it would turn out this way, he would have invited me a girl to talk to. I laughed at him. No damn way. I was perfectly comfortable hanging out with the boys. I told some crude jokes, and horrible puns just to prove my point.

Horatio had never met Marvin, and the two of them hit it off pretty well. They were both able to make fun of Dick, they both believed that Meat Loaf and Rita McNeil are the same person (probably solely to piss me off, as the whole thing is preposterous), and they both knew some of the same (incorrect) words to K-Ci & JoJo’s “All My Life.” What more does friendship require?

Somehow the golf had actually generated interest in the (now) busy pub. People were cheering and groaning and losing their minds over it. The notable exception was our corner table, which was blithely serenading the bar with bad 90s R&B. As you do.

I realized that Dick had become very drunk indeed when he failed to flirt with Alice as she came by to clear our tabs at the end of her shift. It was 5pm, and he had been drinking for over six hours now, so it makes sense. With Alice leaving, our new server would be Claudia. She was also dating the next shift's bartender, whose name was Raul. He was better looking than Duncan, but Claudia was definitely a step down from Alice, who we had hall grown rather fond of. When Claudia came by, we told her we weren’t sure what our plan was yet, and did not order drinks. Dick made a phone call and we discussed what the rest of Sunday would have in store for us.

I'll give you a hint

I knew my plan. I had to get groceries, find a clean t-shirt and go play volleyball. The boys, who were in the midst of an epic runaway drunk afternoon didn’t need to hear about my plans, so I kept them to myself.

Bertie arrived shortly after. He had also been out of town, and when he got Dick’s drunk call, he decided to join in on runaway Sunday with the boys. I said “Hi” to him, paid my tab, and helped the boys stumble out into the street. I left Bertie and Horatio in charge and said “Goodbye.” A territorially aggressive homeless man had taken an interest in our group, which was making a lot of noise. Horatio took my arm and asked me how much I’d had to drink. Over the past six hours I had partaken in three ciders, six glasses of water, a pot of tea and a hearty breakfast. He nodded his approval and walked me to my car.

Later that evening, Horatio regaled me with stories of the boys nearly getting into a scrap with the homeless gentleman, hitting on girls in the bar, and everyone getting home safely through various means. (A drunkard drop-off service, walking, and a ride share, respectively.) So overall, a successful runaway brunch.