Finding 40 Dates: Part One - Hi

Nevermind, call off the search. I've found the perfect man!

Want to know how to effectively terrify someone who is relatively new to online dating? It’s dead simple. Let them sign up, give them a few minutes to acclimatize, and then send them 25 emails overnight. Waking up to an inbox full of messages from the sleepless, lonely internet is incredibly daunting. So in order to not feel overwhelmed, I ignored them. There are 34 more of them now. Not very whelming.

So, time to start sorting this mess out.

“Kloe69 just sent you a new message at 11:37:47 PM on Sunday, February 12, 2017 (Pacific Standard Time)!”

Where do I even begin?

Bad sign

Good thing they told me it was 11:37 and 47 seconds. Specificity is critical. That’s how I know that Kloe69 isn’t the one for me. I prefer people who send emails in either the first few seconds of any given minute, or alternately the penultimate second. It shows depth of character. Good thing each of those seconds was noted and accounted for. The username is a whole other mind-boggling kettle of fish. Admittedly, I am usually the first one to giggle when the scoreboard reads 6-9, but seriously Kloe, get your shit together.

Great sign

And I haven’t even gotten to the content yet! Drum roll, please…

Hi

Really? That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself? I find it even more baffling considering my only request was literacy. Maybe it’s just a jumping off point. Maybe Kloe69 is just getting warmed up. It’s my first email and already I’m wavering on my only standard. Bad sign? 


Well, I made it through the barrage of bad emails. Most of them were along the same lines as Kloe69, which is nice because they don’t take very long or (to my mind) require a response.

There was maybe one that I am inclined to reply to. According to a friend, this means that I must reply to at least three. Got to account for the fact that I'm not naturally into any of this stuff. I checked out the profiles of everyone who sent me a message. One of my personal favourites (Grandami) wrote the following in the blurb on his profile:

Hello guys hdjjdi idkcm c Judie,skiff ncjkslskvj mdkdkjfif kfkk[.]

What the-actual-balls is that?

Judging by the wonderfully specific notation of the time of each of my messages, I have determined that my profile resonates best with either people (and I say “people” instead of “men” on account of a few questionable profiles and one definite woman who reached out to me) who are online very late at night, or perhaps my profile becomes more attractive the later it gets.

Morning people don't seem to appreciate me much. I've decided I'm ok with that.

I did get one compliment, “You have the most incredible smile!” Pretty sure that same comment has been copied and pasted into a dozen messages to other women. Still, it kicks the shit out of “Hi.” I am frankly amazed at how few men measure up to the standard of literacy. I’m not looking for iambic pentameter or a thesis paper–just a subject, verb, and object to begin with. I did not think it would be such a tall order to fill. The wonders of the internet never cease.

One ray of light is the 34-year-old guy who actually quoted part of my profile to me and asked a relevant question. His profile is not particularly inspiring. He is prone to comma splices, and his Virgo personality will probably aggravate mine, but a girl doesn’t accumulate 40 dates by demanding so much more than basic reading comprehension.

So I guess the next step is to respond to those guys who strung together an entire sentence, and maybe send a few unsolicited messages of my own. There will be some ranting, neuroses and liquid courage involved, so stay tuned for how that goes.